By Douglas V. Gibbs
Author, Speaker, Instructor, Radio Host

Okay, let’s have a little fun with this stupid virus.  It’s not too soon, right?

The sun is nature’s disinfectant, so stay at home, and remain indoors.

Avoid handshakes, and instead get your faces closer to each other’s so that you can bump elbows.

Don’t go out to eat, even though you can’t because all of the inside dining facilities are closed, because shared dining facilities are a sure way to spread the virus.  We know this because on the Diamond Princess cruise ship where the people all share a communal dining area the infection rate was a massive 1 out of 5.

This dangerous virus will probably mutate and return next year stronger than ever, so be sure and stay at home so that you don’t get the disease this time, so that your body can’t build antibodies, so that when this thing comes around next year you will be even more vulnerable to the stronger virus.

We must wait until the curve flattens, and the quickest way to do that is herd immunity, so let’s avoid that and do what we can to run and hide from the virus until it’s safe not to run and hide, instead, which will make it take much longer to flatten the curve.  Don’t worry, we’ve got the time, our powerful economy can withstand any shutdown and lack of commerce we can throw at it.

Wear a mask to save lives, even though for the most part the masks can’t stop a virus from infecting you, but wear them anyway so that it looks like we are all united in our fight to stop the virus.

In the open air the virus is dispersed and your chance of getting sick goes way down, so don’t gather in parks or at beaches because you will be fined for doing so.

Remain six feet apart because the virus can’t go farther than that unless you sneeze, cough, or hawk a loogy, so while you are waiting in line to get into a store that will only let so many people in at a time, be sure to scrunch together because there is only so much room behind the barricades.

The mortality rate of this disease is scary because the media and the politicians have made it look scary because they figured out their version of the mortality rate by using a very complex model comparing the number of deaths (COVID-19 related, and a bunch that probably aren’t, but they are counting those too) to the number of confirmed cases … rather than comparing that number to actual cases because the actual cases are estimates and can’t be trusted … besides, that would make the mortality rate lower than that of the seasonal flu, and that doesn’t fit the narrative.

Don’t leave your house except for food and medical, because the empty hospitals don’t need you getting in their way while they wait for the massive amount of COVID-19 cases that should be coming in any day now, and because the empty stores need your panic purchases to survive the economic turn-down, unless you are going to order food, have that delivered, because more hands handling your food is safer.

Do everything you can to not get this virus, because while over 96% of cases are asymptomatic, or are so mild the person doesn’t even know they have it, you might be one of those folks who will have horrible symptoms, therefore, avoid getting this disease at all costs.  We want to get pass this, and get things back to normal, so that you can do much safer things like driving your vehicle, going swimming, or going to the ball park where fly balls are flying over your head toward you.”

And for God’s sake, don’t travel.  There is nothing worse than someone getting in a car where they are around nobody and travelling to another location where everyone is hiding in their homes and refusing to have anything to do with anyone.  Don’t you know?  That’s how virus’s are spread.

Here’s some “humor while in quarantine” jokes a friend sent me:

  • “Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.”
  • “The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.”
  • “2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.”
  • “Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!”
  • “Day seven at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture!’”

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