By Douglas V. Gibbs
Author, Speaker, Instructor, Radio Host

China says the coronavirus came from an old bat. Nancy Pelosi denies any involvement.

Never in my life did I ever imagine that the day would come that my hands consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

I told my wife how thankful I was to be quarantined with someone I enjoyed being with.  She responded, “Must be nice.”
Okay, fine, one way lanes at the grocery store seems necessary, but couldn’t they have at least put in a passing lane?
As I was commenting that thanks to the lockdown we were spending less money since we weren’t going out my wife clicked the “add to cart” button.
I wonder what my nineties self would think if I could tell him that in 2020 everyone was wearing masks and were afraid to get within six feet of each other, and in 2021 those same people were lining up to get an arm jab that is based on experimental genetic research?
It used to be that people went into the bank with a mask on to take out other people’s money.
How is it that for identity reasons the bank wants no hats worn, no sunglasses worn and no hoods over one’s head, but wearing a mask over one’s face is okay?
2016 was a shot of whiskey.  2017 was a Long Island Ice Tea.  2018 was a Bourbon and Coke.  2019 was a sweet fruit daiquiri.  2020 was a colonoscopy prep.  
How is it that a cashier feels safe and believes I am safe because they are behind plexiglass as they touch everything I just touched, and then bag them for me so that I can touch them all over again?
During the pandemic 87% of gym members never realized the gym was closed.
In 2020 doing laundry usually included only a load of sweat pants and pajamas.
After going through 2020 I am beginning to understand why dogs run out the front door whenever it opens.
In 2020 long hair and no dye in one’s hair became a thing again.
Nowadays young men get excited watching a woman slowly slip off her mask.
Facial coverings are like underwear.  We shouldn’t touch it or adjust it in public.  We should not lend them out.  They should be tight, but comfortable.  They need to be clean and changed daily.  We need to wear the right side out.  If there are holes, or stains, throw them out.  Dampness is not a good thing.  Personally, I prefer not to wear them.  I support facial nudity, and, well, you know.
Lockdowns typically have four results.  At the end people come out either a monk, a hunk, and chunk, or a drunk.
We used to eat birthday cake after someone blew all over it.  Well, those days are gone.
It used to be that lying in bed all day was a sign of laziness; now, it’s how you save the world.
I used to say that I couldn’t get to my chores because I didn’t have the time.  Now, I’ve realized that wasn’t the reason at all.
I never thought that “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a societal norm.
There’s nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
The good news about the pandemic is that I haven’t had any solicitors at my door.  
I went to the doctor to find out why I was having medical issues wearing a mask.  They wouldn’t let me in unless I had a mask on.
2020 went viral faster than any other year.
I don’t touch my face because I keep a drink in each hand.
We used to cough to cover up a fart.  Now, we fart to cover up a cough.
If pants don’t stop farts, how is it that a mask can stop a virus?
The COVID-19 Virus is the most brilliant virus in history.  It knows not to infect someone after six feet, it knows when you are standing or sitting, it only infects people at non-essential gatherings, and it will leave you alone while you are eating.  Yet, it’s dumb enough that it can’t figure out how to work its way through pores in a cloth mask that are many times larger than it is.

Barbour Shops, hair salons, nail salons, waxing centers and tanning places were all closed in 2020.  It was an ugly year.

The quarantine ruined my strategy for keeping my phone calls short.  “I gotta run” no longer works.
With the hairdressers shut down during the pandemic over 90% of the world’s blondes disappeared.
Anti-social people were unaffected by the pandemic.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

Chuck Norris never got COVID, and the virus that tried has been in quarantine for fourteen days.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Staying at home because of the pandemic has made my house seem more like Las Vegas.  We’re losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. And nobody knows what time it is.

A friend of mind wears a hat that reads, “COVID is a Scam” with a mask that reads, “Made in China.”
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