So easy even a chimp can do it.
Satire by Allan McNew
“Baghdad Jen” Psaki went on emergency vacation for a couple of weeks, ostensibly to temporarily care for her ill mother, but reliable, anonymous sources said she needed a break from White House Correspondent Peter Doocey pitching hardball questions.
There was a lid on press briefings for several days.
The reliable, anonymous sources also reported that there was much vigorous debate over who would fill in while Psaki was absent. It turned out that President Biden, between vacationing in Delaware, napping and eating giant soft serve ice cream cones, viewed the old 1950’s movies “Bedtime for Bonzo” and “Bonzo goes to college,” which featured an educated, literate, logical chimpanzee. Therefore, in line with the brilliant leadership the President has exhibited since assuming office, he directed that the staff find a chimpanzee to fill in for Psaki while she was absent – and Biden Would score a first in Presidential history for diversity while one upping Ocasio-Cortes. Maybe she would shut up for a while.
So, searching high and low, they found a chimpanzee, who at first introduction, was perusing the Wall Street Journal and smoking a meerschaum pipe while placing orders with his stockbroker. He had a charming, upper class, educated British accent. His name was written Charles, but pronounced Chaaaws. His glasses, perched low on the ridge of his nose, was of a 1960’s style, thick plastic black frame with bifocals. There was a large picture of Winston Churchill hanging on the wall behind him, with an equally large picture of Margaret Thatcher next to it.
So, Charles was hired to fill in at the White House briefing room. It was seen as a stroke of brilliance which would permanently dazzle the American public – even evil, idiot Trump fans. The champagne was uncorked and the self congratulatory, pregame celebration party commenced. The Biden team would make history.
At the first briefing, with President Biden standing to the right of the podium, Charles stepped up on the milk crate positioned to give enough height for him to see over the podium. It was a little dark, so Charles reached up, tugged on the President’s left ear, and the President’s eyes lit up like a porch light. Charles could now study the notes the aides had prepared.
Charles quickly flipped through the pages, then tossed the note binder to his left. He pointed to a reporter, signifying he was ready to take questions.
The reporter selected asked “How could the Afghanistan bug out have been conducted without utter chaos?”
Charles replied “It was a bloody muck-fest. The proper course of action would to have no pull out at all and let the American military continue having a strategic footprint in Central Asia. That would have kept terrorist organizations infesting Afghanistan in check as well as keep a lid on Chinese, Russian, Pakistani and Iranian designs in Central, South and Western Asia. We must note there were no American military deaths in Afghanistan for the previous 18 months, but a car bomber killed 13 at Kabul airport.”
The next reporter asked “Why did the Afghan Military crumble so fast against barefoot goat herders stuck in the 7th century?”
Pausing for a split second, Charles replied: “Some like to bandy about the notion that Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires, which is only slightly true. Alexander the Great massacred some in 330 BC to make a point and bought others off. But you see much Greek blood in modern Pashtun tribesmen and Hellenic culture prevailed in the area now known as Afghanistan for many centuries.”
“Up to the 19th century what is now Afghanistan territory had been ruled by a number of successive empires which succumbed to other empires or disintegrated from internal factors, not from villagers fighting with outmoded weaponry. The empires were more than willing to massacre and enslave entire resistant populations in Afghanistan, including during the Arabic Muslim conquest from the 7th to 9th centuries.”
“The ‘graveyard of empires’ rhetoric largely comes from the first Anglo-Afghan war in 1842, where a very small British contingent was annihilated after suspending quid pro quo payment, more accurately bribes, to leading Afghan figures. The British command was incompetent, it was winter, and the British naively believed Afghan promises of safe conduct back to India after turning the majority of its arms over to the Afghans. They were massacred nearly to a man.”
“The English weren’t ever interested in occupying Afghanistan, their primary, yet misguided aim was to bribe or, failing the bribe, strong arm whomever they perceived to control the territory into being a buffer between expansionist Czarist imperial Russia and the British colonial possession which comprised the modern nations of Pakistan, India and Bangladesh.”
“The Afghans didn’t win the second Anglo-Afghan war of 1878.”
“Nor did the Afghans win the third Anglo-Afghan war in 1919. Changing British views towards Geo-politics and weariness from WWI led Britain to abandon the use of Afghanistan as a buffer between Russian expansionism and British Imperial India after the war in Afghanistan was over. Additionally, unlike previous empires, the British weren’t disposed to killing every Afghani in sight to consolidate their hold on Afghanistan.”
“Both the 20th century Soviets and the 21st century Americans didn’t understand the difference between government soldiers who fight for money versus terrorists who have fanatical faith in ideologies or religions, and a large number of government soldiers actually had common cause with Taliban and other terrorists – the individual terrorists can be seen as belonging to several intermingling fraternities with common cause regardless of the names of the ‘fraternities’.”
“The Soviets didn’t control the countryside while propping up a communist puppet government but also didn’t mind slaughtering civilians trying to do so, which alienated the population. The Americans owned the night wherever they went and could inflict severe punishment on terrorists while minimizing civilian casualties, but their first world leadership pushed woke nonsense on extremely conservative third world mentalities thereby creating revulsion and resentment against Americans. To paraphrase Saddam Hussein, the Americans don’t understand Central Asian Muslim minds, they arrogantly believe everyone else in the world has the same values and ideas as they do. Nation building in a corrupt, tribal cultural world failed”
“It must be noted that Afghanistan has been torn nonstop by armed conflict and violent repression for perhaps three recent, successive generations involving foreign powers and murderous, medieval minded religious zealots. Except for 1941 Pearl Harbor and 2001 Twin Towers America hasn’t suffered anything resembling war within its states since 1916 when Pancho Villa raided the border town of Columbus, New Mexico, in which the town was torched and US troops engaged Villa’s ‘Dorados’ in the United States and Northern Mexico. With the American penchant for instant gratification combined with leftover, legacy, public disillusionment with the Korean and Vietnam wars, the Afghan terrorists have said that America has the watches but they have the time.”
“When the Afghan army saw the paymaster, sugar daddy Americans under President Biden bugging out in the middle of the night without warning, abandoning their own citizens, the Afghan army melted away – they had the rug pulled out from under them too.”
“Whomever originated and saw this senseless, bone headed debacle carried out needs to be removed from their offices and commissions.”
The lights in the room went out and one of the aides tugged on Biden’s left ear – the room was enveloped in total darkness.
When the lights came back on Charles the chimpanzee was gone and President Biden was behind the podium squinting at the notebook.
Biden was handed a note which he managed to hold backwards. Written with a sharpie, the message was immediately read by the correspondents: “SIR, YOU HAVE A GIANT BOOGER HANGING FROM YOUR NOSE.” Joe started to toss the note, but stopped and turned it over. With every reporter in the room riveted on Biden, the President moved his hand towards his face.
The lights went out again.
When light was restored, the Porch Light President was gone. In his place was an aide who advised the press that until Psaki came back there would be no more briefings. The aide turned and headed for the door, ignoring the cacophony of shouted questions from the reporters.