Snark by Allan McNew
“We further have to pay particularly attention to the Oregon border because like in World War Eleven (Author’s wild guess: WWII?)” Oregon is like the Ardennes Forest, where the fascist forces of Winston Churchill and Theodore Roosevelt burst into Provence, France and defeated the Vichy French to put Blacks, Hispanics and women on the fast transatlantic boat to the gas chambers at Auschwitz on the Hudson. We will never forget injustice.”
“We will further build observation towers fitted with snipers and no go zones enforced with land mines and canine patrols to this end.”
Newsom paused for a few minutes to view himself in a full length mirror to the side of the podium. After admiring himself for a while, he suddenly dragged his governorship back to the event.
Newsom pointed at a correspondent.
Bob Lackey said “ You are such an astute student of history, thank you. To move the subject, we have a drought in California. Your evil conservative critics say you are contributing to a future man made famine by draining vital water reservoirs into the ocean while denying farmers water to grow crops. What is your response?”
“Nonsense!!!” thundered Gavin. “Food comes from the store and water comes from the faucet. Electricity comes out of the wall. Won’t the evil obstructionist Trump sycophants ever shut up? We will feed and water California citizens who take subsidized rides on the high speed electric train from Bakersfield to Fresno. A veritable cornucopia of edible goodness, the journey of milk and honey.”
Gavin selected another. “Why is it that bacon cost a high $3.50 a pound last January and is now $10.99, and why does it cost me 150% more to fill my gas tank which forces me to make a choice between getting to the store and buying groceries?” asked reporter Robert Stoutsworth.
“Racist!!” shouted Newsom. “Get that Trump lover out of here!”.
The Highway Patrol had been banned in favor of a CARB (California Air Resources Board) approved, obscure organization dressed in Schutzstaffel black with improvised body armor. They descended on Stoutsworth, pummeled him with fists and beat him senseless with skateboards, then dragged him out of the press conference.
Newsom busied himself with the mirror, starting to comb his hair but, like Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli, saw his hair was perfect and put his comb away. Admiring his reflection for another couple minutes or so, he eventually pointed to another journalist.
“Governor, a lot of people are saying it’s time something was done about drug addicted, mentally ill homeless people defecating everywhere all over public spaces, scaring and robbing people and throwing used needles everywhere in the street, how do you propose to solve that problem?”
“What problem?”, asked Newsom. “This is misinformation propagated by needle hating anti-vaxers. They don’t want to be vaccinated, they are murderers. I don’t see it from my house.” Newsom turned his attention to the mirror again. He rubbed his left index finger on the left corner of his mouth, then looked at his teeth, which he began to floss.
A correspondent interrupted Gavin’s narcissism, “Why do we have such a supply chain problem, does it have something to do with draconian trucking regulations and paying people to stay home?”
“Whoa, cowboy. We have to deal with the Trump mismanagement of the economy” retorted Gavin.
“You mean the economy where bacon was $1.50 a pound, the grocery shelves were full and gas was far less than $4.60 a gallon/”
Newsom concluded the news conference with “Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?”