Satire for your general amusement…
By Allan McNew
It was a pretty morning, not too hot, not too cold, not the slightest breeze to spoil the planned event. The birds were singing and the donkeys were braying.
General Milley was seated behind a folding table at the venue entrance hawking his “Understanding White Rage” book, printed by Human & Shyster. Despite the greatly discounted price no one was buying, so Milley resorted to threats to throw the entrants out of the venue if they didn’t sign a pledge affirming the inherent racism of “anti-racism.” There were lots of forged names.
Transgender Admiral Rachel Levine sat cozy close to General Milley, Levine’s face radiantly framing batting, soft, adoring doe eyes.
There were two separated ramps facing one another, the gap filled with the issues of Covid, Faucism, record inflation, record illegal migration, parents vs school boards, Ukraine, Russia, China, the Afghanistan bug out, persecution of dissenters, the stuff the ballot box bill, the build back broke bill, the media, social media, big tech, censorship, the everything-but-infrastructure bill, the race card, record crime, unemployment, supply chain failure, prohibitive gas prices, racism in selecting SCOTUS candidates, Biden telling Putin16 things off limits for Putin to cyber attack – “Psych!”, Hunter, general chaos and administration approved societal disintegration among other low-lights. They were placed end to end like parked school buses, the long ones. Not the short ones the White House staff were accustomed to riding in.
In the exact middle was a honey wagon owned by Brown & Trout sanitation services. It had been appropriated by the Secret Service before it left the White House grounds and after it had pumped the White House septic tank.
Special guests Michael Moore and Whoopie Goldberg, who had arrived together, were provided seats up close to the action. They were bun planted on custom built, stress tested benches with a low slung TV tray between them. A platter heaped with double cheese burgers and a gallon bucket of fries was perched on top. The tray underwent a two front blitzkrieg assault and lost territory fast.
In a convenient yet out of the way spot away from the bleachers the Presidential limousine was parked by some bushes, on which a small herd of goats were browsing. Some young goats were clattering on top of the car to gleefully hear the noise their hooves were making until the driver noticed and tried to shoo them away. The goats just clattered from front to back and back to front on top of the limo while the driver ran laps around the car. They looked at the driver with amused “neener neener neener” goat faces as they waited for him to huff up close to them at either end, then did it all over and over again.
Biden was astride a battered 1970’s era Jawa CZ 175cc Type 477 motorcycle with a home made sissy bar and a side car attached. The side car had a representation of Che Guevara on its flank. There was a blow up doll wearing a black wig and a sexy dress duct taped to the sissy bar and White House spokesman Jen Psaki was seated in the attached side car. Biden was dressed in an unlined denim jacket with the sleeves torn off, a t-shirt with “Born to raise hell” imprinted across the chest, a pair of narrow bell bottom denim pants topping old style engineer boots with square toes and straps with rings on either side in front of the ankles. He wore a large bandanna over his brow and mirrored aviator sunglasses as well as a genuine fake antique German Pickelhaube helmet. Psaki wore a white jump suit festooned with stars of various colors and a bicycle helmet.
On the back of Biden’s jacket was a patch with a monarch butterfly, a top rocker screaming OUTLAW BUTTERFLIES and a bottom rocker claiming SCRANTON.
Joe was uncharacteristically lucid for the occasion. Dr. Fauci was seen at a card table close to the limousine dismantling a syringe and putting it safely into an old fashioned Doctor’s bag.
A gaggle of reporters were covering the event. A selected reporter asked “Mr. President, what makes you think you can make this jump?” Biden coolly answered “Piece of cake. I was Eval Knieval’s coach, taught him everything he knew. I set up the jumps and proof jumped them myself before the events, didn’t want Eval to get hurt and he safely landed every time.”
Another reporter asked Biden about the blow up doll. Biden explained that President Harris was investigating root causes of train burglaries in Los Angeles with Governor Gavin Newsom. “All indicators are that it’s caused by systemic social inequities and that we need to let more of the unjustly incarcerated out of prison, which will end crime. The doll represents Harris in her absence.”
Biden pointed to another reporter who asked about the patch on the jacket. “I was President of the Outlaw Butterflies in the early 60’s, it was a bad ass 99 percenter club in Scranton, no one messed with us except just once. One time we were down at the Creamer’s Handmaiden in Scranton having some milk shakes. The Panda’s Disciples were there having milk shakes too and the place wasn’t big enough for both crews. After the Panda’s Disciples called us ‘annoying posers’ both whole clubs went out to the parking lot and had a melee.
“The two of them and the two of us stood in each other’s faces while yelling ‘hit me, P*****!’ for about a half hour or so, then the pigs showed up and told us to knock it off. We all went back inside and had more milk shakes while ignoring each other. There were some junior high kids sniggering about something, probably talking smack about some girls they were hot for.”
“We made the police blotter on page 19 of the Scranton Screamer Gazette.”
Unseen until then, Rogier Rabbi, a kosher hare convert to Judaism and closely related to the acclaimed Hollywood star Roger Rabbit, poked his head up out of the side car and looked around, then ducked back down with only the tips of his ears showing.
Rogier Rabbi was the only child of a single parent French animator. He legally changed his name from Rogier Lapin to Rogier Rabbi after his conversion.
Biden pointed at another reporter. “Mr. President, do you have any tattoos?” Biden said “Sure, I got a butterfly tat on my butt. I’ll show you” and dismounted. An aide rushed up out of nowhere, and got Biden’s ear just as he touched his belt buckle. Biden nodded and remounted the bike after linger sniffing the wig.
Before he could get fully seated Rogier Rabbi leaped out of the side car and straddled the bike in front of Biden. Yelling “Quit stalling, let’s go!” in a Yiddish influenced New York city accent, Rogier hit the kick start, clicked it into gear, let the clutch out and hit the throttle. Popping a wheelie, the bike lurched forward, went up the ramp to the edge and promptly fell straight down with the side car making a right twist down and fell into an enormous pile of trash the homeless left before they were shooed out by the Secret Service. A horde of rats scurried out and away from the trash in all directions.
Just then the Reality Express train plowed through the jump gap that was built across the tracks and wrecked almost everything between the ramps. As the septic truck was parked on the tracks, it disintegrated and splattered White House sewage all over the White House press core.
Rogier Rabbi stood on the edge of the ramp and looked down at Biden and Psaki as they emerged from the trash which had cushioned their fall. Biden yelled “I exceeded expectations!” and gave the triumphant double thumbs up. Psaki chimed in with “It’s a new Guinness book record!” while extending both arms straight over her head in the “goal!” posture.
Rogier Rabbi blew out his cheeks while rolling his eyes, then putting his hands on his hips disparagingly said “Toons!”